Illustration: Angelica Alzona / GMG

Search your heart, you know it to be true: Cetaphil both looks and feels exactly like cum.

I’m talking about the face wash, of course. This is not meant to disparage Cetaphil’s virtues, of which there are many. I know many people swear by Cetaphil’s gentle cleansing power. I am simply stating a fact: Cetaphil both looks and feels precisely like semen. It’s as plain as the nose on my face, or as plain as the fact that washing your face with Cetaphil feels like washing your face with jism.

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Have you ever used Cetaphil to wash your face? Have you ever interfaced with male ejaculate? If so, you should know what I’m talking about. You pump and pump that blue plastic nozzle until it explodes with gelatinous goo all over your hands. Then you rub it all over your face. How does that feel?

Cetaphil’s website says its daily facial cleanser’s “low-lather formula won’t strip skin of natural oils.” Low-lather is one way to put it, certainly. I suppose “translucent mucus formula” wouldn’t make for good copy.

Cetaphil’s face lotion, in contrast to its daily facial cleanser, is very nice. It has the texture of regular unscented lotion, rather than the overly slick texture of something you might need to mop up with three Kleenexes.

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I started using Cetaphil before I became familiar with the intricacies of cum. I used their face wash for many years, upon multiple dermatologists’ recommendation. Even after realizing the shocking similarities between Cetaphil and cum, I soldiered on, trying to keep up my use for the sake of my glowing skin. At some point, the Texture Issue became too much to bear, and I had to cut ties. I’m a CeraVe gal now.

Today is my last day of work at Gizmodo Media Group, and I saved my most important blog for last. I hope it’s high on my Google results for future employers to see.

Goodbye.

Update, 1:35 p.m.: Readers have pointed out that porn actors actually use Cetaphil for cum shots. Vindication is sweet.