About six months ago, the apartment I was living in at the time got robbed. Today, a detective called to tell me there'd been a DNA hit in the case — the burglar, besides being a burglar, also took a healthy swig out of my lemonade carton. That's rude.

The detective also sent over a mugshot of the person whose DNA was found on my lemonade carton. He's in jail for something else currently. Thieving picnic baskets, is my guess.

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Obviously I don't know yet if he's actually the person who took my shit, but I allege that he's committing several crimes against fashion here.

Can you tell me:

What is on that shirt?

Bicycles? People on bicycles?

Is that a ring-collar tee underneath?

If so, that's actually kinda cool.

How would we rank this shirt on a scale of 1 to 5?

One is the worst. Five means you should wear that shirt out of the house, in front of your friends, to meet your girlfriend's family, etc.

I'm not mad anymore, I just want answers. Answers about that shirt.